After that conversation I was finally able to begin the healing process. I started to feel like I could move on with my life and begin to make plans for our family of 3. And then, about two weeks later, life threw another curve ball via text message. It started as my typical Wednesday night check in and ended up something like this:
Me: How is your week?
BMom: Good. How is Katelynn and Brent and everyone?
Me: Great! Katelynn is getting so big! She is crawling all over the place. It is hard to keep up with her!
BMom: Aww! I miss her so much! I don't know....I don't think I can do this.
Me: What do you mean?
BMom: I don't have a job yet. My family won't help me. I don't know how to care for a little baby. I have never even lived by myself. I can't do this.
Me: It will be okay. Take some time to think things over. Maybe you should go talk to your birthparent counselor?
BMom: No. I know I can't do this. This baby needs to be with her sister. She needs to be with a Mom and Dad. She needs you...
"BRENT!" is what I yelled as I ran down to the basement to share the entire conversation. He, of course, had his usual nonchalant, I-Told-You-So response.
The next day I had to get into super-organized-going-to-be-a-mommy-in-one-month-need-to-get-adoption-papers-filed mode. I contacted our social worker. I contacted lawyers. And most importantly I contacted birthmother and her mother. I needed to be sure that they had talked this over and they were at least 95% on board. We needed to start paying for home studies and court fees and I couldn't put that money on odds that were any lower than that.
Most people would be cautious at this point (and many were for us) due to the fact that she had changed her mind once. Not me. I don't know how to do anything less than all the way in. I believed her the moment that she told me, "I am positive this is what I need to do. I can give Katelynn a sister, that is something I never had. Both of these girls deserve to be together with a mom and a dad like you and Brent. I want you to be their parents. I know not everyone is sure that I am going to go through with this, but I know I am sure. I am sorry that I was confused before. I was being selfish and I wanted to keep the baby but I know that isn't what's best for her."
(Such a grown-up and selfless decision for someone so young! I will forever be amazed by this.)
Next up, finding the answer to an important question: How does one take maternity leave two times in one school year????
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Time to Create Some Distance?
Well, the next few weeks were not easy. I received lots of advice from family and friends telling me it was time to create some distance between us and our birthmother. This did not make sense to me. I couldn't understand why, just because she didn't do what I thought was right, I should cut her out of my life. Her decision to parent didn't mean that she needed a friend less (in fact, she needed one more). It also didn't change the fact that she is and always will be Katelynn's birthmother. She gave us the greatest gift a person could give! She gave us a family!
I know our family and friends were just trying to protect us and help us heal from the failed adoption. It just isn't the way that I am and it goes against what I promised when I agreed to an open adoption.
Bit by bit, we began to heal. My husband continued to tell me that he still had a feeling that she would choose adoption for this child. I wasn't so sure. The one thing I knew for sure was that I couldn't go on the adoption roller coaster again. I was sure that after all this, our family was complete.
Still, I was bothered by the fact that our birthmother still didn't have her life where she wanted it to be. I knew it was going to be hard to watch her struggle while raising this baby. I just wanted her to see that she wanted so badly to make her own decision but she was letting herself be influenced again by the other side of her family. I just didn't know if I wanted to jeopardize our relationship by pointing that out to her.
My fabulous third grade team then offered some counseling to me one day at lunch. They reminded me that I had nothing to lose if I spoke freely to her. It wasn't like she could take Katelynn away, and she already decided to parent. I needed to say what I was feeling because I needed closure and I needed to know that I did everything possible to give that baby the opportunities she deserved.
So....I called her. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I carefully chose my words and explained to her that I felt she was being pressured into a situation that she might not be prepared for. She was very understanding of my need to say what I did.
She opened up and told me that she needed to know that she tried parenting. She wanted to find out if she was an unfit mother. This broke my heart. I truly believe with all my heart and to the depths of my soul that this girl will be an amazing mother -- some day. I told her that if she tries and does not succeed it isn't because she is unfit. It is because her life is not where it should be to raise a baby.
I also told her that if she still wants to try and she changes her mind after a few months, my husband and I would still be willing to adopt this baby. She said I gave her a lot to think about and she thanked me for being so honest with her.
I guess I didn't need to create distance. I needed to be right up close!
I know our family and friends were just trying to protect us and help us heal from the failed adoption. It just isn't the way that I am and it goes against what I promised when I agreed to an open adoption.
Bit by bit, we began to heal. My husband continued to tell me that he still had a feeling that she would choose adoption for this child. I wasn't so sure. The one thing I knew for sure was that I couldn't go on the adoption roller coaster again. I was sure that after all this, our family was complete.
Still, I was bothered by the fact that our birthmother still didn't have her life where she wanted it to be. I knew it was going to be hard to watch her struggle while raising this baby. I just wanted her to see that she wanted so badly to make her own decision but she was letting herself be influenced again by the other side of her family. I just didn't know if I wanted to jeopardize our relationship by pointing that out to her.
My fabulous third grade team then offered some counseling to me one day at lunch. They reminded me that I had nothing to lose if I spoke freely to her. It wasn't like she could take Katelynn away, and she already decided to parent. I needed to say what I was feeling because I needed closure and I needed to know that I did everything possible to give that baby the opportunities she deserved.
So....I called her. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I carefully chose my words and explained to her that I felt she was being pressured into a situation that she might not be prepared for. She was very understanding of my need to say what I did.
She opened up and told me that she needed to know that she tried parenting. She wanted to find out if she was an unfit mother. This broke my heart. I truly believe with all my heart and to the depths of my soul that this girl will be an amazing mother -- some day. I told her that if she tries and does not succeed it isn't because she is unfit. It is because her life is not where it should be to raise a baby.
I also told her that if she still wants to try and she changes her mind after a few months, my husband and I would still be willing to adopt this baby. She said I gave her a lot to think about and she thanked me for being so honest with her.
I guess I didn't need to create distance. I needed to be right up close!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
A Hard Pill to Swallow
So, I waited patiently (or as patiently as a high-strung person can wait) for our birthmother to try and get her life in order. Each night that she called I tried to be as impartial as possible trying to help her think things through on her own. Each night that I talked to her she didn't seem to make much progress on the goals she set for herself and my hopes got higher and higher.
I then began to wonder, if I were in this situation what would be the best thing for me? I came to the conclusion that we needed to schedule a visit. She needed to realize how much work goes into having a child ...especially on your own. She also needed to remember that choosing adoption doesn't mean that you have to say good-bye; it means you will say see you later. I called her and set up a visit for the middle of March. We were going to meet at my dad's house and she was going to come with birthfather's family.
A week before our scheduled visit, birthfather's aunt called to get directions. She mentioned how they had spent the whole day shopping and looking at baby items. I thought it was kind of strange. An hour later, my husband and I were sitting on the couch and my phone rang. It was our birthmother.
"I have made a decision. I have decided that I want to TRY to parent this baby." Tears filled my eyes but I had to try to keep my voice from cracking. I didn't want her to know that I was heart broken. She needed to feel love and support because she had a long road ahead of her.
My husband comforted me and kept saying, "She will change her mind. I am not worried. Don't stress. This isn't done. I know this baby will end up with us." I am glad he had hope because I certainly didn't.
With the visit scheduled for the following week, I received a lot of advice from family and friends -- most telling me that I should cancel. As much as I didn't want to go, I had to do this for our daughter. She has the right to know her birthfamilies and I made a promise that I would do everything in my power to maintain that connection for her sake. It would have been selfish of me to cancel.
My husband was unable to come for that visit because he had to work. I had to choose a co-pilot that would help me stay calm, reasonable, and keep my mind on my goal for the visit. There was no better person than my sister-in-law, Brent's twin. The visit couldn't have gone better, thanks to her. She helped me stay calm and strong -- even when our birthmother showed us ultrasound photos of the baby that I thought was going to be mine. She also helped me analyze every minute of the conversation on the drive home and provided a laugh or two.
Even though life wasn't going the way I had hoped, I still had so much to be thankful for -- like an amazing, supportive family!
I then began to wonder, if I were in this situation what would be the best thing for me? I came to the conclusion that we needed to schedule a visit. She needed to realize how much work goes into having a child ...especially on your own. She also needed to remember that choosing adoption doesn't mean that you have to say good-bye; it means you will say see you later. I called her and set up a visit for the middle of March. We were going to meet at my dad's house and she was going to come with birthfather's family.
A week before our scheduled visit, birthfather's aunt called to get directions. She mentioned how they had spent the whole day shopping and looking at baby items. I thought it was kind of strange. An hour later, my husband and I were sitting on the couch and my phone rang. It was our birthmother.
"I have made a decision. I have decided that I want to TRY to parent this baby." Tears filled my eyes but I had to try to keep my voice from cracking. I didn't want her to know that I was heart broken. She needed to feel love and support because she had a long road ahead of her.
My husband comforted me and kept saying, "She will change her mind. I am not worried. Don't stress. This isn't done. I know this baby will end up with us." I am glad he had hope because I certainly didn't.
With the visit scheduled for the following week, I received a lot of advice from family and friends -- most telling me that I should cancel. As much as I didn't want to go, I had to do this for our daughter. She has the right to know her birthfamilies and I made a promise that I would do everything in my power to maintain that connection for her sake. It would have been selfish of me to cancel.
My husband was unable to come for that visit because he had to work. I had to choose a co-pilot that would help me stay calm, reasonable, and keep my mind on my goal for the visit. There was no better person than my sister-in-law, Brent's twin. The visit couldn't have gone better, thanks to her. She helped me stay calm and strong -- even when our birthmother showed us ultrasound photos of the baby that I thought was going to be mine. She also helped me analyze every minute of the conversation on the drive home and provided a laugh or two.
Even though life wasn't going the way I had hoped, I still had so much to be thankful for -- like an amazing, supportive family!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Her Choice, My Heart
One would think now that she had made the decision for adoption that we were in the clear and this is the "happily ever after" of our story. Well things aren't always so cut and dry in my life...especially in the world of adoption.
After our birthmother's mother proposed the idea of a second adoption I contacted our social worker to see how this would work. We decided to take things slowly because our birthmother was barely pregnant. We were still finalizing things for our first daughter.
Our birthmother and I talked to each other once a week through texting or phone calls. She was pretty down on herself for getting pregnant again. I was doing quite a bit of counseling for her because she trusted me and she knew I wouldn't judge her. She was struggling with typical teenage drama: boyfriends, school, "evil" parents :), etc., on top of being that girl that got pregnant again.
We visited her at Christmas in MN and were able to see her little tummy getting bigger with our second child. In January we found out we were expecting another girl! We decided on the name Kennedy Leigh for our baby. We thought Kennedy sounded right with Katelynn (our first daughter) and Leigh was our birthmother's middle name. We continued to prepare our lives and our families for a second child.
February came and all of a sudden the tone in our birthmother's voice changed. She was getting a lot of support from birthfather's family and checking into different resources. One afternoon she called and said, "I have to tell you something." My heart sank because I knew what was coming.
She said she was considering parenting this baby. She was so sorry and didn't want us to hate her or keep Katelynn from having a relationship with her. She just had to try to get her life in order to see if she could do it. She said adoption wasn't off the table but she needed me to know that she wasn't 100% anymore. She was giving herself until the end of March to make a decision. If she couldn't find a job, an apartment, and get a drivers' license by the end of March the it wasn't meant to be.
I remained supportive. This is always a risk in adoption and I knew it had to be her choice even though the outcome meant a broken heart for me. I wasn't sure what to pray for: her failure meant my success and vice versa. God was telling me, yet again, that I am not in control. HE is.
After our birthmother's mother proposed the idea of a second adoption I contacted our social worker to see how this would work. We decided to take things slowly because our birthmother was barely pregnant. We were still finalizing things for our first daughter.
Our birthmother and I talked to each other once a week through texting or phone calls. She was pretty down on herself for getting pregnant again. I was doing quite a bit of counseling for her because she trusted me and she knew I wouldn't judge her. She was struggling with typical teenage drama: boyfriends, school, "evil" parents :), etc., on top of being that girl that got pregnant again.
We visited her at Christmas in MN and were able to see her little tummy getting bigger with our second child. In January we found out we were expecting another girl! We decided on the name Kennedy Leigh for our baby. We thought Kennedy sounded right with Katelynn (our first daughter) and Leigh was our birthmother's middle name. We continued to prepare our lives and our families for a second child.
February came and all of a sudden the tone in our birthmother's voice changed. She was getting a lot of support from birthfather's family and checking into different resources. One afternoon she called and said, "I have to tell you something." My heart sank because I knew what was coming.
She said she was considering parenting this baby. She was so sorry and didn't want us to hate her or keep Katelynn from having a relationship with her. She just had to try to get her life in order to see if she could do it. She said adoption wasn't off the table but she needed me to know that she wasn't 100% anymore. She was giving herself until the end of March to make a decision. If she couldn't find a job, an apartment, and get a drivers' license by the end of March the it wasn't meant to be.
I remained supportive. This is always a risk in adoption and I knew it had to be her choice even though the outcome meant a broken heart for me. I wasn't sure what to pray for: her failure meant my success and vice versa. God was telling me, yet again, that I am not in control. HE is.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The Power of Prayers
I didn't hear anything from our birthmother for a couple of weeks. My heart felt like it was being torn in two just thinking about the fact that my daughter could have had a biological sibling. I didn't know how or if I was going to be able to explain that to her some day.
I personally don't agree with abortion but I also think that each person has a right to make her own choice. I have never been in a situation where abortion could have been an option for me, so it is hard to say that I would never have considered it. I do know that it is not my job to tell other women what I feel is right or wrong.
Nevertheless, I continued to pray to God that He give our birthmother the strength to change her mind. I prayed day and night and my family did the same. I couldn't stop thinking about it. After two weeks of hearing nothing, I assumed this was a done deal. I felt defeated but I didn't quit praying although my prayers did change. Instead of praying for our birthmother to change her mind, I prayed for her heart to heal.
Then came the day I will never forget. It was early November and I was distributing the WKCE tests to my students. I heard my phone vibrate indicating that I had a text message. I got my students started on their tests and walked back to my desk. I looked at my phone and read the text message. "I just want you to know that I went to the clinic and I can't have an abortion. I saw the ultrasound and I can't do that to my baby. I will call you later."
I grinned from ear to ear and praised God under my breath. My mind was going a mile a minute as I sat in silence for the next 40 minutes while my students completed their tests. After snack I hurried the kids off to their specials and rushed back to the classroom. I called and celebrated with my husband and then called our birthmother.
Her mother answered the phone. We talked about how proud we were of her daughter for making such a self-less decision. We talked about the feelings that her family was having. Her mother finally confessed to me, "Tanya, she can't raise this baby. She isn't ready to parent yet. You mentioned that you would raise it. Will you still? It will be very difficult because the kids are only 11 months apart. Can you do it?"
My eyes filled with tears as I said yes -- yes to another baby, yes to another twist in our lives.
I personally don't agree with abortion but I also think that each person has a right to make her own choice. I have never been in a situation where abortion could have been an option for me, so it is hard to say that I would never have considered it. I do know that it is not my job to tell other women what I feel is right or wrong.
Nevertheless, I continued to pray to God that He give our birthmother the strength to change her mind. I prayed day and night and my family did the same. I couldn't stop thinking about it. After two weeks of hearing nothing, I assumed this was a done deal. I felt defeated but I didn't quit praying although my prayers did change. Instead of praying for our birthmother to change her mind, I prayed for her heart to heal.
Then came the day I will never forget. It was early November and I was distributing the WKCE tests to my students. I heard my phone vibrate indicating that I had a text message. I got my students started on their tests and walked back to my desk. I looked at my phone and read the text message. "I just want you to know that I went to the clinic and I can't have an abortion. I saw the ultrasound and I can't do that to my baby. I will call you later."
I grinned from ear to ear and praised God under my breath. My mind was going a mile a minute as I sat in silence for the next 40 minutes while my students completed their tests. After snack I hurried the kids off to their specials and rushed back to the classroom. I called and celebrated with my husband and then called our birthmother.
Her mother answered the phone. We talked about how proud we were of her daughter for making such a self-less decision. We talked about the feelings that her family was having. Her mother finally confessed to me, "Tanya, she can't raise this baby. She isn't ready to parent yet. You mentioned that you would raise it. Will you still? It will be very difficult because the kids are only 11 months apart. Can you do it?"
My eyes filled with tears as I said yes -- yes to another baby, yes to another twist in our lives.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Photo Card
Swiss Dots Pink Baby Announcements
Announcements for all occasions: graduation, a new baby, or wedding.
View the entire collection of cards.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Teenage Pregnancy
I have been working on a post that describes my emotional and mental struggle with becoming a mother. I haven't published it yet because the words don't seem to come out right. I have decided to put it on hold until I can express that in the precise way that I would like.
So...I have decided, instead, to publish a post that continues our adoption story...
After our birthmother told me of her second pregnancy, I have to say I knew almost immediately that this child would become part of our family, even if she didn't know it yet. She had her heart set on trying to raise this baby herself. I was sure she could do it but I wasn't sure about how well she would do it.
I have an extreme addiction to MTV's 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom. I DVR them on Tuesday nights and watch them on the weekends. These shows have received a lot of criticism because society thinks MTV is promoting teenage pregnancy. If you sit down and watch these shows you will see that they actually do quite the opposite. Every time I watch these episodes I think about the babies. They don't choose to get placed into all of that drama. They don't choose to be born to parents that are not together, are young and inexperienced, are unprepared to take care of themselves not to mention a child. I know this chaos isn't the case for all teen pregnancies but it does happen with many of them. I give teen mothers and fathers credit for wanting to try to raise their families but I admire the ones that are strong enough to choose a better life for their babies by creating an adoption plan.
I received the news that our birthmother was pregnant for the second time on a Thursday. By Friday she was in a panic because she didn't want to tell anyone...especially her mother. This led her to contemplate terminating the pregnancy. When she told me, my heart sunk. I knew I needed to be nonjudgmental but I also knew that if she chose abortion, it would haunt her for the rest of her life. I explained to her that I would respect her decision no matter what because I had no idea how she feels (I have never been in that situation so why should I judge?). I also pointed out that if she did not terminate the pregnancy she would have 10 months to either get her life together or create an adoption plan. After conversing back and forth for most of the day on Saturday, she said I had given her a lot to think about. She had plans to talk to her mother on Monday and she would give me a call if she needed me.
I am not a patient person so this wait was very difficult for me. Especially when the news came on Monday that she didn't want to be pregnant again and she had an appointment made at the clinic.
So...I have decided, instead, to publish a post that continues our adoption story...
After our birthmother told me of her second pregnancy, I have to say I knew almost immediately that this child would become part of our family, even if she didn't know it yet. She had her heart set on trying to raise this baby herself. I was sure she could do it but I wasn't sure about how well she would do it.
I have an extreme addiction to MTV's 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom. I DVR them on Tuesday nights and watch them on the weekends. These shows have received a lot of criticism because society thinks MTV is promoting teenage pregnancy. If you sit down and watch these shows you will see that they actually do quite the opposite. Every time I watch these episodes I think about the babies. They don't choose to get placed into all of that drama. They don't choose to be born to parents that are not together, are young and inexperienced, are unprepared to take care of themselves not to mention a child. I know this chaos isn't the case for all teen pregnancies but it does happen with many of them. I give teen mothers and fathers credit for wanting to try to raise their families but I admire the ones that are strong enough to choose a better life for their babies by creating an adoption plan.
I received the news that our birthmother was pregnant for the second time on a Thursday. By Friday she was in a panic because she didn't want to tell anyone...especially her mother. This led her to contemplate terminating the pregnancy. When she told me, my heart sunk. I knew I needed to be nonjudgmental but I also knew that if she chose abortion, it would haunt her for the rest of her life. I explained to her that I would respect her decision no matter what because I had no idea how she feels (I have never been in that situation so why should I judge?). I also pointed out that if she did not terminate the pregnancy she would have 10 months to either get her life together or create an adoption plan. After conversing back and forth for most of the day on Saturday, she said I had given her a lot to think about. She had plans to talk to her mother on Monday and she would give me a call if she needed me.
I am not a patient person so this wait was very difficult for me. Especially when the news came on Monday that she didn't want to be pregnant again and she had an appointment made at the clinic.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)