After that conversation I was finally able to begin the healing process. I started to feel like I could move on with my life and begin to make plans for our family of 3. And then, about two weeks later, life threw another curve ball via text message. It started as my typical Wednesday night check in and ended up something like this:
Me: How is your week?
BMom: Good. How is Katelynn and Brent and everyone?
Me: Great! Katelynn is getting so big! She is crawling all over the place. It is hard to keep up with her!
BMom: Aww! I miss her so much! I don't know....I don't think I can do this.
Me: What do you mean?
BMom: I don't have a job yet. My family won't help me. I don't know how to care for a little baby. I have never even lived by myself. I can't do this.
Me: It will be okay. Take some time to think things over. Maybe you should go talk to your birthparent counselor?
BMom: No. I know I can't do this. This baby needs to be with her sister. She needs to be with a Mom and Dad. She needs you...
"BRENT!" is what I yelled as I ran down to the basement to share the entire conversation. He, of course, had his usual nonchalant, I-Told-You-So response.
The next day I had to get into super-organized-going-to-be-a-mommy-in-one-month-need-to-get-adoption-papers-filed mode. I contacted our social worker. I contacted lawyers. And most importantly I contacted birthmother and her mother. I needed to be sure that they had talked this over and they were at least 95% on board. We needed to start paying for home studies and court fees and I couldn't put that money on odds that were any lower than that.
Most people would be cautious at this point (and many were for us) due to the fact that she had changed her mind once. Not me. I don't know how to do anything less than all the way in. I believed her the moment that she told me, "I am positive this is what I need to do. I can give Katelynn a sister, that is something I never had. Both of these girls deserve to be together with a mom and a dad like you and Brent. I want you to be their parents. I know not everyone is sure that I am going to go through with this, but I know I am sure. I am sorry that I was confused before. I was being selfish and I wanted to keep the baby but I know that isn't what's best for her."
(Such a grown-up and selfless decision for someone so young! I will forever be amazed by this.)
Next up, finding the answer to an important question: How does one take maternity leave two times in one school year????