Monday, May 6, 2013

Daddy's Doctor Trip -- For Monika

I finally got permission to share this experience with you. 
I usually take the girls to the doctor's office. Hubby gets very nervous and sweaty in these situations, and hey, who wouldn't? I've learned that it is a "good visit" when we manage to stay in the assigned room. I know that it is physically impossible for our kids to sit on the chairs and read books calmly while the doctor speaks. Daddy still has that vision and that is okay.

When Neddy had one of her well-child checks (I think it was her 9 month check-up), I was unable to bring her for some reason. This caused me a lot of stress because I like hearing information first hand and I had a lot of questions regarding diet, allergies, eczema, etc. She also had to fill out all of the adoption paperwork that needs to be submitted each time we go to the doctor. Hubby insisted that it would be okay if I just wrote down my questions and then he could ask them or hand them to the doctor. I accepted this option.

I returned home from school and was anticipating all of the answers to my questions. Brent was, as usual, too brief for my liking. His first response was: "She's good."
Any woman knows that this is an unacceptable response. So I continued badgering him for details.
He finally added on: "Tanya, she's good. I asked her all of your questions and mine."

Wait a minute. He had "questions"? What kind of "questions"? Did I forget something on my list? Is he going to know something I don't? 

I tried to play it cool. "So, um, what kind of questions did you have?"

Very casually as if asking someone their first name or date of birth, he said, "I asked her why it looks like Neddy doesn't have any nipples."

WHAT! WHY WOULD HE ASK SOMETHING LIKE THAT? O.M.G. -- Now she is going to think this was on my list of questions that I want answered!

I calmly questioned him, "Honey? Why did you ask her that?"

"Because it looks like she doesn't have any nipples. I don't want her to be bullied some day. But don't worry, she said her nipples are fine. They just don't have any pigment yet or something like that."

Please stop saying nipple. Especially when you are discussing our daughter. And how would she get bullied for having no nipples? I am pretty sure we will teach her to not flash people and if she has no nipples, I don't think she would have interest in showing them off. And she is 9 months. Are kids bullying that early now?

"Okay. Do you feel good about that answer? Maybe next time you have a question you could ask me first and I could try to answer it for you?" Because now the doctor thinks it was my question and that I don't understand my own girl parts. 

I swear this question was noted on the Sanderfoot file at the doctor's office. She will never again take me seriously. 

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Dear Check-out Lady (Specifically Target Check-out Lady)

We had to make a quick pit-stop at the grocery store today. Shopping with children, like most activities with children, is very stressful. Today as I got the girls out of the car I noticed that my arm was wet. I wiped it on my clothing at the exact same moment that I noticed that Neddy's ass was lined with a brownish liquid. Her body had the great timing to suddenly come down with a mad case of the diarrhea. Awesome. And I am now sporting the scent on my arm and clothes. Double awesome. And we have nothing for dinner so we have to go into the grocery store (don't judge me). I sucked it up and wrapped my sweatshirt around her in the cart. Triple awesome. The children proceeded to hang out of the cart like spider monkeys followed by a lot of kicking, screaming, and hair pulling. (To make matters even worse, those of you that know me, this is horrifying -- one of the bags tipped over in the car while I was driving and my T-Rex arms couldn't reach it so I had to listen to the items roll around in the back. I digress.) As we made our way through the aisles riding in a cart shaped like a blue police car, we attracted a lot of attention (as usual) and it reminded me of a letter that I have been wanting to write for quite some time. 

A Letter to All Check-out Ladies (Specifically Target Check-out Lady)...

Dearest Check-out Lady,
I am sure you are an under-appreciated employee. You stand on your feet all day and scan merchandise for what I am sure is very little money. 
If it is not too much to ask, here is what I need from you:
     1. Shut up and scan. Do not talk to me about my purchases. I don't want to hear about how you have wanted to try that product forever. I don't want to make small talk or hear your hypotheses on why I am buying the shit that I am buying. (Like the time that I happened to be alone at the store buying nuks and pull-ups and you asked if I had children. Duh. Not yet but I am planning on luring some into my car later on and I want to be prepared. Or No. I just really love to suck on a nuk after supper and I am too lazy to go to the bathroom so I buy pull-ups for myself.) Just SHUT UP AND SCAN!
      2. Stop trying to encourage my child to sit down in the cart. I realize it is dangerous. I have asked her to sit on several occasions, but guess what? She is happy and not hurting her sister at this moment so let's just be thankful for what we can, okay? And if she falls out of the cart, I bet she will learn to not stand up in the cart any more right?
      3. Most importantly, when my cart comes through the check-out line and my children look as though an exorcism might be in order, do not offer them a sticker. We do not need to reinforce their behavior when they are acting like Lucifer. In fact, if I must be honest with my requests, don't give us stickers period. The kids just eat them or stick them on the back seat in the car. 
That's it. Those three things could make our shopping experience fast and painless for you and me. 
          Mother of the Red-headed Children That You Always Recognize