I used to think that women get hemorrhoids from giving birth to kids. After recent events at our house, I have a new theory. I believe that women (and probably men) get hemorrhoids from just having kids in the house. I have yet to get one but I am pretty sure if this type of toileting experience continues, they are in my near future.
Currently, using the bathroom is not a solo experience at our home, nor is it a leisure activity. In fact, the bathroom door is usually wide open and there are at least three humans and one dog in there at any given time.
(If you fear this visual, please stop here. I am pretty sure hubby will be embarrassed by me sharing this but...well, you're all family and friends!)
Let me explain the events that led to this theory....
I had to go to the bathroom. I went in and attempted to lock the door but apparently didn't shut it tightly. After a few seconds of "Mama....are you?" and sobs and pounding on the door, Kate figured out how to open it. "Mee mum!" (Here we come!)
So in she comes, followed by Gilbert and of course Neddy. Gilbert immediately begins licking my knee. I am not sure what was on my knee. I just knew that his licks and oddly smelling just-ate-a-dead-animal breath were making me uncomfortable so I tried to shove him away. He eventually left but not before he knocked Neddy over, stepped on her, and hit Kate in the face with his tail. This led to tears for everyone and my attempt to make it all better while sitting on the toilet.
Oh, it's not done here. It should be stated that Kate has a recent infatuation with the toilet and more specifically, poop. Every time I change her diaper she wants to "see dat?" and she tries to convince me that her poop is white. She moseyed between the wall and the toilet and tried to push against my back side and began yelling "See dat, Mama? See dat?" on repeat.
As I was trying to tell Kate no and move her, Neddy b-lined it for the tub -- the bar of soap on the edge of the tub. She likes to bite into the soap. I had to try to reach forward to grab Neddy with my T-Rex arms while Kate was shoving me from the side so she could "see dat poop." I slid her to her bottom and shoved her toward the door but she is like a Weeble. She popped right back up and was at the soap again. As I reached forward again I heard, to my horror, Kate say, "EEEwww. Tinky mama."
Seriously! Nobody told you to come in here! This is supposed to be a person's one place to get away! It is supposed to be like Superman's Fortress of Solitude! Instead, it is like.....I don't know? A family reunion going horribly, horribly wrong?
In writing, it seems like this all took about 30 minutes (and in real life it felt that way as I was sweating it out trying to take care of business quickly so we could all wash our hands and move on) in reality this was only about 2 minutes in the bathroom total.