Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I Still Held My Breath A Little

This post is a bit personal and I am not sure yet if I will publish it. I am pretty sure Brent would not like me to publish it, but he doesn't appreciate half of the things I share on here. But, it might be necessary to share because I think this might help someone out there. And for me, writing is a bit therapeutic.

Last week, I was a week late. Now don't get all excited. Notice the past tense in that sentence. "Was" a week late. There are some things that you should know. If Brent and I were to ever conceive a child together it would be a miracle just short of the Immaculate Conception. Our bodies together have a VERY small chance of doing that. Our bodies had a very small chance of even conceiving through IVF. I know this, yet I still held my breath a little. 
My body usually pulls this trick on me every summer just after school gets out. I think it is my way of adjusting from crazy busy schedule to relaxing and enjoying family time schedule. I know this, yet I still held my breath a little.
My body, unlike the rest of me, has never appreciated schedules or being on time with cycles. I know this, yet I still held my breath a little. 

The truth is, every month I hold my breath a little. And I always will. Just because we have made the decision to adopt, just because we have two beautiful children whom I am totally in love with, doesn't mean I have completely gotten over the desire to be pregnant. 

After day 5 of tardiness, I decided to waste my money on a test. I knew what the answer would be, yet I still held my breath a little. 

It would be a horrible time to bring another life into our already too small house. We are just starting to make dents financially. Our house is only two bedrooms and we will be here for awhile yet. My kids are eleven months apart (one and two years old). Life is beautiful and crazy. 

Yet, I held my breath a little. I thought I wanted another baby. Then my mind starting yelling at me. How can you be so selfish? You have two beautiful children at home! Through the adoption process I met so many people waiting to have children (some are still waiting) and I am blessed to have two so quickly. And now I am greedy and want another one. But is that greedy? Some people have 5-6 children. After two, did they get greedy?

I am not sure what the answer is here. But this is what I am telling myself:
No, they are not greedy. No, I am not greedy and selfish. I just need to slow down. I need to appreciate what I have (which I do), AND the road that led me here (which I forget about). I will probably never experience pregnancy (well, I have this theory that I will be pregnant at 40 but that is another story) but through adoption I have gained so many amazing experiences that those who experienced pregnancy will probably never have. 
I need to sit back and enjoy the ride (which I do not control -- DAMN!) and let God lead the way.

Everyday there is more than enough in life to make me hold my breath a little (or a lot!). goes the publish button.....

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